This is War
by A Philosopher with a Pen
Summary: The SOS Brigade spends a day playing the one sport that Kyon fears above all: paintball. And as predicted, it's only a matter of time before Haruhi takes things too far.
1. Chapter 1

Here is the other story that I've written. My caving one was rather long, so I tried to be more concise with this one. There's a passing reference to my other story in this one, but nothing vital to the plot. I hope it's as funny as I think it is.

--

"This is war," she yelled, poised on the wooden table in a camouflage jumpsuit with her gun dangling from her shoulders. "So cut out the pansy 'good luck' and 'nice match' stuff!"

Around her, there were five guys decked out in similar camouflage outfits, staring at Haruhi with a white rage as pure as fallen snow. They could've been mad because she'd just insulted them or because she was standing on their guns and ammo.

Or maybe it was because she had just shot every one of them in the back.

Now I'm sure you're saying, "But Kyon, isn't that what you're supposed to do in paintball? Shoot the opposing team?" And I would say you're right.

Except the match hadn't even started yet.

We ended up at the paintball field because Haruhi found a poster announcing its grand opening. When she suggested the SOS Brigade play, I was completely opposed.

Let me rephrase that. I believed it to be the worst idea ever to befall mankind.

Haruhi Suzumiya wielding a non-lethal gun that leaves marble-sized whelps on the victim -- such a thing should be considered a war crime.

I begged to her to find something else; I even agreed to play baseball again, but she wouldn't have any of it.

"If you really want to play some sport, let's at least find something a little more. . . normal," I argued, but it was pointless.

"The fact that it's not 'normal' is the whole reason we're playing it." Of course, I should have known. "And you shouldn't think of this as a game. After that caving trip, I've started to question your loyalty."

My loyalty? You almost got us killed down there, not to mention you created a little monster whose only purpose was to jump out of the darkness and scare the hell out of me.

"This is a training exercise for the SOS Brigade. I need to make sure everyone can follow orders in the heat of battle."

Why would we need to be able to do that? Are you planning to take over the world with the four of us as your personal army?

As we watched the other team disappear into the woods to hide, Koizumi said, "They seemed rather nice, too. I thought they might take it easy on us."

"But not after Haruhi shot them in the back for wishing us good luck," I add.

"As the attacking team, we must crush them!" Haruhi barked out from her place on a fallen log. "There will be casualties, but my orders are to be followed at all times. Remember, as the commander, I have the right to _triage_, so if you're not pulling your weight, you'll be put to death."

You're thinking of battlefield doctors, Haruhi, not commanders.

I turned away from where General Suzumiya was rallying the troops and whispered to Koizumi.

"No cheating. If we lose, then Haruhi will just have to deal with it."

The moment I finished making my demand, Haruhi contradicted it.

"And win by _any_ means!"

"Eh," Koizumi groaned. "Just whose orders am I supposed to follow?"

Once the other team was completely hidden away, the referee came over to explain the rules.

"This is an elimination match, best out of three rounds wins. If you get hit twice, you're dead and I'll come pull you out. You're the attacking team right now; next round you'll be the ones to hide. You guys are the blue team; kill every member of the red team to win. And finally, make sure you wear your masks at all times." He paused. "Any questions?"

Sure, I have one: can we go ahead and surrender?

"I'm going to go get set up on the field. When you hear my whistle, the round has begun," he explained before he too disappeared into the forest.

I spent the minutes leading up to whistle surveying my teammates. Asahina-san was looking at her gun like she didn't understand how it worked. Koizumi already had his mask on, which was fine by me since it saved me from seeing the smirk I'm sure he had on. Haruhi had her gun perched on her shoulder pointing at the sky, and I'm surprised she wasn't firing off victory shots into the air. The only one who looked like a real soldier was Nagato, whose emotionless face seemed right at home on some distant battlefield.

Just as I was beginning to enjoy the scenery, the sound of a whistle rang out through the trees.

And with that, Haruhi took off sprinting full speed into the forest, leaving the rest of us trying to catch up.


	2. Chapter 2

Once again, I was amazed at Haruhi's athleticism; she managed to run headlong into the forest without slowing down, jumping over fallen logs and slithering between trees at breakneck speeds. And to make matters worse, she was doing it all while screaming at the top of her lungs.

Real subtle, Haruhi. I'm sure they have no clue we're coming.

As she blazed a trail into the woods, the other team began firing at her from their respective hiding spots, but judging from what I could see from my place at the edge of the playing field, none of them came very close to hitting her. It's just nearly impossible to hit something moving that fast through thick cover.

She kept running until she came to the fence that marked the far end of the playing field, and at that moment I realized she had just ran straight through their defenses and was now positioned behind them.

Fueled by a desire to enact revenge on the girl who had sucker punched them earlier, all five of their players focused their fire on the little clump of bushes Haruhi had dove into, leaving their backs completely exposed to the rest of our team. Koizumi and I managed to eliminate two of them before they even realized we were shooting at them.

Is it possible that Haruhi is really a brilliant strategist and that cheap shot she took was just part of a master plan to trick the other team into weakening their defenses?

I doubt it. I think it's much more likely that Haruhi is just an inconsiderate jerk who gets lucky a lot.

After losing two players, the other team actually started to fire back, which prompted our team to grab cover behind a log and a couple trees. I looked over and saw that Koizumi had taken a shot in the chest.

Neither Nagato nor Asahina-san had been hit, but they weren't really shooting back either. I watched Asahina-san fire off two shots high up into the trees and then drop her gun on the ground in fear.

It's okay, Asahina-san. You just stay hidden until this is all over.

Nagato, on the other hand, was watching with what seemed like a keen interest, but she had yet to pull the trigger. I watched her smoothly move her head to avoid two paintballs that flew by just a little too close.

Maybe it was for the best that Nagato didn't fire. If she had, the other team wouldn't have had a chance.

Speaking of not having a chance, that was pretty much the situation the other team was in despite Nagato's inactivity. They were firing back, but with Haruhi on one side and the four of us on the other, they didn't have any cover from our fire. Two more of their players went down, one from shots by Haruhi and the other from a combined effort by Koizumi and I.

I felt really bad about shooting them, but it was better them than us I suppose.

While we were finishing off those two guys, their last player made a mad dash for the only place nearby that would offer him protection from both angles. He had a log to protect him from Haruhi and a large bush on our side, which he poked his gun through in order to return fire while remaining protected.

It was a clever move, and it caught me off guard. I got hit right in the neck before I could duck back behind my tree.

I was surprised at just how much it hurt. Maybe it was because I got hit in the neck or maybe because it was my first time, but I definitely came away with the desire to not get hit again.

The guy really was in a good position. He had the freedom to work on taking out me and Koizumi, all while being protected from Haruhi by the log. And if Haruhi wanted to move closer to get a better shot, she would have to run through a lot of open ground, which would get her shot for sure.

"Kyon-kun, I don't want to play anymore," Asahina-san said, but I didn't get the chance to respond because at that moment Koizumi took a shot in the leg, his second.

"You're out," the ref said, as he dashed over with his umbrella and escorted Koizumi off the playing field.

Unfortunately, while the ref was distracted with removing the SOS Brigade's resident Cheshire cat, Haruhi took the opportunity to enact a devious plan.

I watched as she threw something into the air from her cover. Only when it was at the peak of its flight did I see that it was a baseball-sized rock. It came down right on the enemy player's back, and when he stood up arching his back in pain, Haruhi went ahead and added to his agony by popping him three times in the arm and chest.

That was dirty, Haruhi.

"You're eliminated. Blue team wins round one," the ref announced after coming back to the field and finding the last red player covered in paint.

I was waiting for Haruhi when she got back to base. I noticed her mask had a large blotch of red paint on the side, so I guess I was wrong and she did get tagged during her cannonball run through the enemy lines.

"What was that?" I asked. Her face curled up in confusion.

"What do you mean? That was a victory for the SOS Brigade."

"I mean what's with you throwing a rock at the other team." I honestly think she didn't see anything wrong with what she had done.

"Oh, that. That was creative problem-solving."

"No, it was cheating," I said, and as expected, she looked upset. "You can't throw rocks in paintball."

"Then pretend it was a grenade." Wow, she's really going all out with this military thing.

"This is crazy," I said.

"So is war," she added before walking away.

Oh god, she's become a monster. Well, an even bigger monster I mean.

--

A/N: For those of you who might be wondering, some refs at paintball fields carry open umbrellas with them as a shield from random paintballs.


	3. Chapter 3

"Whenever you guys are ready, go on out and hide. Also, one of their players is accusing your team of throwing rocks. If I see you throw one, you're disqualified," the ref explained. I was ready to turn Haruhi in right there if it meant we didn't have to play anymore, but before I could say a word, she pushed me out onto the field.

"Do I still have to play?" Asahina-san asked, and even though I thought we should let her go sit back at the base, I knew Haruhi wouldn't have it.

"Of course you do! You're part of the SOS Brigade." After learning she wasn't being discharged from Haruhi's Squad Of incompetent Soldiers Brigade, Asahina-san looked solemnly at her gun.

"She's just scared, Haruhi," I said, though I'm not sure what I thought it would accomplish.

Haruhi curled up her lip and eyed Asahina-san. "Well, she doesn't have to be scared anymore because she'll be hiding with me."

Idiot. That's all the more reason to be afraid.

"Kyon, you and Koizumi hide over by those bushes. Yuki, duck down behind that big tree near the fence line. Mikuru and I will be behind that log." It was easy to see Haruhi's strategy. She would position us in a half circle in order to keep the enemy from flanking us.

Not long after taking our places, I heard the shrill sound of the ref's whistle.

I watched for a long time, but I only saw the other team once before they had disappeared. They were moving very stealthily, and I figured it was only a matter of time before they popped up next to us and finished this.

Ten meters away, I could hear Haruhi talking to Asahina-san.

"Fine, you don't have to play if it bothers you that much."

I couldn't believe it. Haruhi had actually relented and let Asahina-san sit this one out.

I turned and looked at Koizumi, who only shrugged his shoulders. I wish I hadn't, though, because then I would have seen what was really going on in time to stop it.

Wandering through the middle of the forest like a wounded deer, Asahina-san had left her cover and was heading toward the base.

But the other team didn't know she was quitting.

And just as I opened my mouth to tell Asahina-san to duck, the paintballs came popping out of the woods from different angles, and after getting hit with three of them, our poor defenseless Mikuru dropped to the ground, surely in tears.

"There they are! Everyone fire!" Haruhi yelled as the referee pulled Asahina-san off the field. Then it became clear to me; Haruhi had used Asahina-san as bait to lure the other team out of hiding.

Unforgivable!

In my anger, I didn't know who to shoot at – the girl who used her as bait or the heartless bastards who shot her.

Luckily, a solution quickly presented itself to me. I wrenched Koizumi's gun from his hands, and, walking out into the open, fired one gun at the other team and the second at Haruhi.

"Kyon, you idiot! You're supposed to be shooting at the enemy!" she screamed.

You are the enemy!

When the ref came up and yelled, "You're out," I wasn't even sure what he was talking about. I had to look down to realize I had been shot five times. I hadn't even felt them, probably because of the adrenaline.

It didn't matter though, because the damage was already done. I was eliminated, and while she was pinned down by my enraged barrage of paint, the opposing team had taken the opportunity to sneak around and shoot Haruhi from the side.

The round was really over at that point, considering I had Koizumi's gun and Nagato wasn't firing back. The opposing team simply walked up and shot them in the gun and the foot respectively -- mercy kills on their part.

"Traitor!" she yelled when I got back to the base. "Prepare to be executed."

And before I even knew what was happening, Haruhi shot me in the chest, right in the heart, two times.

I should have just dropped it; I had gotten off easy considering what I'd done. But I acted without thinking or maybe I was still a little mad about what had happened, but I shot her back twice, once in the shoulder and once in the stomach.

Forty-six. That's how many times Haruhi shot me in retaliation.

She shot me so many times that my body went numb and I couldn't even feel the paintballs anymore.

"You got Asahina-san shot three times," I said when I had recovered enough to speak. Haruhi's face twisted up in disgust at my excuse.

"Yeah, well, _you_ got _me_ shot seven times!"

I hadn't noticed until she pointed it out, but in addition to the two shots I had hit her with in my moment of stupidity, seven other splatters of paint were scattered over her body, and I could see that 4 of those had been from my gun.

I decided to let it go.

After that, she left to go talk to the ref about the tie-breaker round, and I spent the interval trying to clean as much of the paint off as I could.

"I'm so sorry, Kyon-kun," Asahina-san said once Haruhi was out of earshot.

"This wasn't your fault," I said. "But it looks like you'll have to go out there one more time."

"Yes," she said, nodding her head with a newfound enthusiasm.

Did she really think she was to blame for all this?

"They won the coin-toss, and they want us to hide again," Haruhi announced when she returned.

Of course they want us hiding again; look what happened last time.

"Kyon," Haruhi said, once again regaining that military demeanor. "Since I obviously can't trust you out there on your own, you're coming with me this time."


	4. Chapter 4

"Mikuru and Yuki will hide behind that steep bank by the corner of the fence. Koizumi, lay down somewhere in the middle there, and don't fire until I give the signal, even if they step on you."

"Aye aye," he said, giving a mock salute and smiling.

I kind of hope they do step on him now.

"Kyon, follow me." We went over behind a couple of big trees. It was the same formation Haruhi had used last round, except now the pairings had been shuffled a bit.

"Listen, we're not going to lose this battle, you hear?" she said once the whistle had blown. I was about to tell her it was just a game, but I didn't bother. It would only spark an argument, and I had been shot enough for one day.

Once again the opposing team came slithering through the woods like guerilla soldiers, and when they finally did pop up and start shooting at us, they were a lot closer than I would have liked.

"Now, Koizumi!" Haruhi yelled, and out of a slight depression in the ground rose our esper, firing off shots that took out one and hit two more of their players. They managed to eliminate him pretty quickly, but the distraction allowed me and Haruhi to finish off the two players he had only tagged once.

So that left it two on two, considering Nagato and Asahina-san were on the other side of the field and the only shots being fired from their direction were the misguided attempts by Asahina-san, which were more likely to hit a bird than one of the opposing players.

The two enemy players had taken up positions on both sides of the little clump of trees we were hiding behind, and without some kind of backup, it would only be a matter of time before they moved up and finished us off.

"What are we going to do, Haruhi?" I asked, trying to make my extremities as elusive to paintballs as possible.

"I have a plan," she said, and even though I couldn't see her face for the mask she was wearing, I could tell just by looking at her eyes that she was really excited.

"Okay, let's hear it."

"It's called 'Operation Kyon-Shield.'"

I had just enough time to dazedly whisper, "Kyon-Shield. . .?" before she grabbed me by the collar and pushed me out into the open. As she guided me through the forest by the back of the neck, she fired paintballs at the enemy team over my shoulder.

Just look at how far my life has degraded. I'm now the human meat shield for Haruhi Suzumiya.

I got shot, a lot. Not as many times as Haruhi shot me, but still a lot. Eventually, someone shot me in the protective goggles, and I couldn't even see where I was going anymore. And of course, the next natural course of action was for me to trip, and I fell face first onto the soft forest floor.

"You're out," I heard the ref cry, and I figured with me on the ground, Haruhi was hit and the game was over. So I was a little surprised to hear him add, "Blue team wins the match."

I wiped the paint off and glanced over at the opposing players. She had got them both.

I rolled over on my back, and there she was standing over me.

"We did it!" she yelled. She had taken her mask off and was looking down at me with a big smile. Then she finally fired off those victory shots I'm sure she'd been struggling to hold in this whole match.

"Fantastic. My life's goal is now complete," I said, letting the sarcasm drip from my lips like drool.

For Haruhi, the victory meant everything, but the only solace I got from the trip was that I wouldn't have to play ever again.

I collected what was left of my paintballs and tried to wipe off the bucket of red paint that had been thrown at me during that final charge.

I noticed that Nagato was staring at me.

"Well, what do you think?" I asked.

"This game is not an accurate simulation of battlefield circumstances."

"Why's that?" She pauses.

"Because you would be dead."

That's not a very comforting thought, Nagato. Besides, that's why it's a _simulation_.

It was then that Haruhi returned from her talk with the other team. Did I mention that I made her go apologize for the cheap shot she took and the rock she threw?

"Did you do it?" I asked when she got back.

"Yeah, I apologized. They're actually pretty nice guys."

We already knew that.

"They challenged us to a rematch," she said, hoisting her gun into the air.

Don't tell me you're thinking about playing this again. . . .

"I told them it would have to be Capture the Flag, best out of five!"

Someone write home to my family for me because I doubt I'll survive this tour of duty.


End file.
